Saturday, August 30, 2014

Where we are at this moment

Do the thing you are doing....
Be mindful...
Be present in the moment...

Kairos  the special moments within time.   Savor this time.

All things you say to remind yourself to slow down and appreciate what you have. All the good that you have.  Maybe even the bad that is working on you.   Gosh, without my GBM diagnosis I'd have gone through this past summer much as I went through last summer.  Working, sleeping, driving to and from work, eating, bathing, reading, playing, loving, and never feeling that there was time enough to enjoy any of those things.  The schedule of what is next was always an engine driving my time.

A medical crisis refocuses your life.  Yes, mine is a family in crisis.  The rescue crews can do so much.  We cannot live in a state of crisis long term.  We will shore up the defenses and resources to regroup and maintain the best new definition of OK as we are able. I've had to work on coming to terms with the fact that happily ever after may be 6 more months. It might also be 6 more years.  It can be any time between or longer.  It could be a bus, tomorrow. We are on an uncharted road here....  how long, how am I, what's new are on a status update every 3 months, every 6 months... forever.  Well, for long as I have.

This past summer I had all the time in the world.  Well all the time I have left in the world ahead of me. We all did.  I just was told by the Dr. that statistically my time is limited. Sorry. Very sorry. Don't freak out. Go have fun. Be happy.  We will all do our best. Sure there were appointments to keep, work to do, food to eat, people to love, books to read....   but I had a new pace to follow towards accomplishment.

I was on healing time.  No, I don't look sick.  Unless you see my chemo and radiation bald head, unless you see me walk with my walker pulling my right leg along in what I've taken to calling my Igor stride.  You might see the 4 inch scar on my head... but only if I've been careless or find you trustworthy.

Confronting your last breath is not a common thought process throughout your life.  It is to be tucked away  for consideration when one is old and close to death. After you've lived a life filled with making memories and bringing your family to a place of their independence. I can imagine all the special life events I'll miss.  But I avoid going to that land of forlorn thoughts.

A sudden death of a young person is tragic.  So much potential gone.  So much life not lived. Experiences not enjoyed.  Everyone experiences the void.  My friends just lost their newborn. Two days of time shared after nine months of building expectations.  The death of an old person has the same measure of loss.  That person is just gone.  Memories are all that are left. What I've lived will only be remembered by those that have experienced it with me, read my stories, or as someone recalls an experience of mine.  There is a lot of chance involved in leaving a legacy that will last. Life is great and death just sucks.

Grab the good times and hang on as long as you are able.  Enjoy the wild ride.  Take comfort from love and pain as a reminder things could be worse.  Things will be worse.  Why waste now fretting over the many ways that could be true.  I can't wallow, expecting the worst everyday, for what could turn out to be a miracle life.  I can plan for the what if.  Work in anticipation of when that moment arrives.  It cannot be my focus.

Just as I work to see the good in people I work to see the good in this situation.  As a kid I wanted to grow up to be an architect, a city planner, , teacher, librarian. To have a career. To follow my passion. It was, I think, assumed that I'd grow up to be good.  To do good.  In this I have been a success.  This is the part that matters. It means something. The jobs I've held allowed me to perfect my doing of good deeds... they prepared me, provided experiences, learning opportunities, and skills necessary to take on the next task. I'm pretty well prepared for this new adventure.

I know I am well equipped.
My circle of friends and family enriches me.  The hold me up.  At the moment we are in a pretty rich place.